Constant Craving

From time to time...occasionally...I find that I understand Lydia Bennet. I understand how it feels to fall into infatuation; I’ve fallen head over heels in like before, too. I know what it is to be constantly craving something that society tells you is fundamental to your happiness. 

But unfortunately I’ve found that even if you want something (or someone) bad enough, your imagination cannot will it (or him) into existence or into love. 

I told you all about Corey, the PhD candidate I met at my cousin’s wedding? Well, I can’t be certain, but the kid tried to ghost me--I say “tried,” because me being me, I couldn’t just let him pull that shit. 

So why did he ghost me? I made the fatal mistake of initiating verbal communication (what a novel concept in these digital times) instead of texting or Snapchat as we had been utilizing prior. And you know how he responded?

He didn’t. 

And I didn’t hear anything from him for five days--that’s forever in guy years. But we all know he saw and opened my Snap asking him to Facetime because hellooooo, it’s Snapchat. I mean, I guess it’s good that I know he wasn’t that interested in anything real

I spiraled from “Why won’t he respond???” to “Fuck that asshole,” which led to this text: 

“So I guess verbal communication was to much.” 

Then I got a response. Just not the one I was hoping for.

See, I’m not a very confrontational person, but this was a case where I threw fucks to the wind. And how am I repaid for finally standing up against a guy’s shitty and inconsiderate treatment? 

He friendzones me. 

“I think we have different expectations of this friendship.” 

He actually used the fucking F-word on me. WTF. Apparently the distance and age gap dampened his enthusiasm to get to know me (which I get, but I just got friendzoned, so I’m allowed to be annoyed with him). When I really think about it, I’m a little embarrassed by how quickly I fell into infatuation with Corey. How much did I really know about him besides what I learned from my aunt or cousins? He wasn’t exactly a pillar of communication. 

That’s the problem with relationships that evolve via technology. We begin to see the people we converse and interact with as unreal, because chances are we don’t physically know most of the people we follow and tweet with--Yet we allow them to know personal, intimate details of our lives. 

I certainly don’t know all of you personally. And that allows me creative freedom. I think only two of my friends out of my entire acquaintance read this blog. I don’t have to worry about filtering stories because very few people I know will ever actually read this. What a liberating fact to behold. 

Maybe I indulged too deeply into my infatuation, my fantasy of what a relationship with Corey could look like--not what it would look like. In my head, he expands my intellectual horizons, and I expand his literary repertoire (apparently he hasn’t read many classics); we travel together, exploring new countries and taking irritatingly adorable pictures with his Canon.

The reality is nothing like my fantasy. 

The reality is that in two months, I’ll be living in Spain, and in seven months, I’ll be living permanently in Minneapolis. Corey lives in Michigan, and he won’t complete his dissertation until March, at which point he can move anywhere he likes. Am I so delusional that I’d try and start a relationship long distance? Intercontinental even? What do I even really know about Corey besides the fact that he’s cute, smart, successful, and ambitious? Not much. (Which is why I tried to switch to verbal communication--that backfired quickly). 

The fantasy is so...frustratingly alluring. I can curl up at night and picture every way the relationship could go right. When I told my brother that I hadn’t heard from Corey in three days, he wasn’t all that surprised. Apparently I was “reaching” anyways. (Not sure if that means he’s out of my league or if my brother was referring to the long-distance nature of the flirtationship. Either way, I took offense.)

And you know what it turns out to be? I was reaching. 

For the first time in forever...I’ve been friendzoned. and it sucked.

I’d like to issue a formal apology to all the guys I’ve friendzoned, and (let’s be realistic) all the guys I will friendzone in the future. 

I’d never realized the true frustration of wanting someone who just doesn’t want you back--the irritation and helpless that stem from holding another person in high esteem but then discovering out they don’t feel the same way about you. Ohmygod, is it frustrating. 

It’s like you want to convince that person point by point why they should want to be with you. (I suddenly feel like constructing a Powerpoint presentation on why I’m dateable.) But why do we still want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with us? It’s their loss, not ours. You never want to force something to work. 

I’ve heard people use the expression, “We’re trying to make it work.” And while I agree that marriage and relationships are something you need to work at, I think there’s a point when you evaluate the situation and ask yourselves, is this too hard? Sometimes people can love each other, but the timing is off or it’s just not meant to be. Accepting that reality can be the first step in the right direction, even if it means letting go of someone who’s important to you.

Pretty soon, Corey will be just a guy I talked to once. The infatuation will fade, as it always does. Love lasts, but infatuation isn’t forever.